Is he a self-righteous attention-seeker? Yes!
Does he fact-check what he reads on social media? Never!
Does he spell-check his empty threats before posting them? You wish!
A career in the troll industry is not all fun and games. It has its downsides. In this particular case, our troll repeatedly fails to contain his outrage within the boundaries of the Internet, which is why his wife forced him to consult a therapist. Here is an excerpt from one of his therapy sessions, freely available to us because doctor-patient confidentiality shouldn’t apply to those exploiting anonymity on the Internet.
Doc: What brings you here?
Troll: Earlier today, I was sitting comfortably in my armchair, enjoying the chilly monsoon weather. My wife made me hot coffee. Having it felt great and I was really in love with life. But when I opened my Instagram and saw that repulsive picture of Priyanka Chopra wearing that rag of a dress in front of His Highness Modiji, I had to do my job, doctor! I had to sacrifice my happiness and get down to business. So, I trolled. And, in a fit of rage, I threw the coffee mug at my TV screen. Fearing her safety, my wife hit me with a horse tranquilliser. And that’s why I’m here. Again.
Doc: Hmm, that was wise of her. Anyway, why trolling? What’s the future here?
Troll: Don’t you know anything about the Internet, doctor? Trolling IS our future. My 5-year plan is to get recruited by the ruling political party.
Doc: So, what do you feel when you see something that you don’t agree with?
Troll: My eyes start twitching. My fingers feel itchy and they shake uncontrollably when I start typing. That’s why my comments often come out like this: “snapchat is avery veEry verrrry worst appp, deAr mr. cEo”. There are moments when my mind snaps out of the rage but my body is running on autopilot. While in this state, I myself find it hard to believe that my comments are the product of a human brain. I’m either really intelligent or really dumb. I’m probably really intelligent.
Doc: So what exactly is the problem from your perspective?
Troll: The problem is exactly that—my perspective. Why couldn’t Priyanka dress according to it? All she had to do was wear a saree or, even better, full-length yoga pants. It’s a matter of mandatory respect and it’s a shame that Priyanka ‘Bare Limbs’ Chopra doesn’t have any for our Supreme Leader.
Doc: But why? You do realise that no one, especially Priyanka Chopra, cares about your opinion? It is worth less than a 1,000 rupee note because even that has historical value. How can you not know this?
Troll: Because it’s just not true! The Snapchat CEO shattered the idea of India and I painstakingly rebuilt it through my App Store review. Virat Kohli is back in form now because I intervened and stopped Anushka Sharma from ruining our national sport, shaming her for being in love. Even Rishi Kapoor liked my tweet when I told Aamir Khan to go to Pakistan if he felt India was too unsafe for him. The result? Dangal. That’s right, I’m the one you should thank for Dangal. And for India.
Doc: Although we’ve been told never to do this, I feel it is my professional duty to inform you that you don’t matter. Also, the Snapchat CEO never really said that India was poor. Hockey, not cricket, is our national sport. If your wife had half the apparent effect on you that Anushka had on Virat, then you wouldn’t be a psychotic mess. And sometimes, when I’m stuck in traffic or in the ATM queue, I think of leaving the country too. Come on, don’t you?
At this point, the troll stood up, his face red with shame and anger. As he clenched his fists, the doctor saw the rationality fade from his eyes. He let out a primal roar and charged towards the doctor. Much to his surprise, this time the wife got him in the first shot. Again.
*Author’s note: Social media is designed to make people feel like their opinions matter when, in reality, they really don’t. People prefer to rate their opinions based on the number of likes, retweets, screenshots, etc. When was the last time someone had a half-decent thought and just kept it to themselves instead of immediately calculating the number of likes or shares it’ll score? Anyway, if you agree with me, please do like, share and subscribe!
Image Credit: Nikhil Mudaliar