Dear Friend(s) of Mine About To Get Married,
I’m sure you’ve heard Robert Frost’s beautiful words, “The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.” But I’m here today to introduce you to some other words also spoken by the same legendary poet: “It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” Yup, he said that too.
The inspiration behind this letter is the increasing number of photographs online of me wearing the same green sari or black skirt and eating different kinds of food stuffs, from pakoras to bebinca to gulab jamun to pork ribs. This collection has been growing at an alarming rate, I worry I will go down in history as ‘the chic who sampled 30 cuisines in 3 sets of clothes’.
And it’s happening because of all of you seem to have held a secret conference and passed the bill to get married. I know, it’s that age, the right age to get hitched, but surely you’ve attended someone else’s wedding at some point in life and understand the practical implications for all the attendees involved?
The problem (one of the many) is that, like most things in life, the first time can never be repeated. So once I’ve already attended my close friend’s wedding, already danced my ass off, already killed it with the hottest look, already been reunited with old friends and already popped hangover pills – it becomes difficult to muster the same enthusiasm. It starts to dip a notch with each wedding attended.
I know you will try, despite knowing that the best-laid plans will give way. After all it’s your day, and even if every effort fails it will remain special because you will never again be seen smiling at so many people at the same time. This cheekache will not be repeated. This limelight will go off as soon as us attendees are done uploading whatever we manage to shoot on our phones.
So here’s my little request to all the lovely darlings about to knot themselves up: Please think thrice before sending out that invite, and include a USP in the final print. You know – unique selling point. Tell us, what is it that makes your wedding special, besides our shared friendship? Will there be a giant wheel behind the mandap? A polka dot dress theme? A pre-wedding sightseeing tour in your town? Any knockout souvenirs? Tell us why we shouldn’t just fake illness, tell us how you are changing the world by reinventing the haggard old wheel?
Eventually, I know I will crumble when faced with the mass ecstasy of all gathered, I will give in to emotion for a few split seconds. Unfortunately my eyes will well up, I too will feel a damn lump in my throat and revel in the shared bonhomie. But it will pass swiftly, and I will wonder where to escape with a beer. Because, whatever book or element you are rotating around with all due respect to your religion, I would like to be promised a good gig before I go investing a new black dress.
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