He is a high-functioning sociopath, a master sleuth and the most portrayed character of all time. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last century, we’re talking about Mr Sherlock Holmes! It’s Sherlock Holmes Day today, and we decided to let the world’s only consulting detective have a crack at the questions we, Indian millennials, struggle with on a daily basis.
The Adventure of the Delhi Guy
Holmes and Watson are walking on the footpath in Delhi at night. A guy wearing sunglasses, busy checking his social media, bumps right into them. He then shoves Watson aside and continues walking.
Watson (grabbing the Delhi guy’s leather jacket): Hey, watch it man.
Delhi guy: Tu jaanta hai mera baap kaun hai?
Watson: Wow, you’re way too old to be a lost kid looking for daddy. Nevertheless, the first step in finding him would be to stop wearing sunglasses at night.
Delhi guy (going for the punch): Teri toh!
Holmes (thinking, while time slows down): My advantage, his rage. His advantage, my sympathy. Dodge his inexperienced punch, reply with punch to left cheek. Discombobulate. Dazed, he’ll drop his phone. Fracture his wrist…already weak from holding the phone all the time. In summary, ears ringing, wrist fractured. Physical recovery: 2 weeks. Full psychological recovery: lifetime. Capacity to shove Watson aside: neutralised.
Katappa Ne Bahubali Ko Kyun Maara?
Holmes: My intuition is that the answer to this question does not warrant the effort required to find it.
Watson: Unlike Holmes, I spent two and a half hours in a cinema hall to arrive at the same conclusion. The only murder mystery there was–the murder of logic that took place in the first minute of the movie.
Holmes: It was probably suicide, my dear Watson.
The Adventure of the Lazy Engineer
The Lazy Engineer was passed out on his bed when Watson, Holmes and the Lazy Engineer’s Mom entered his hostel room.
Lazy Engineer’s Mom (covering her mouth): I want to know when was the last time my son had a bath.
Holmes: Any ideas, Watson?
Watson (also covering his mouth): Umm, I don’t even know where to start, I have seen garbage dumps more organised than this room.
Holmes (after taking a deep breath): Based on the amount of soap scum on the soap holder, the pristine condition of the shampoo bottle and *sniff* the amount of water vapour in the air, your son bathed two months ago.
Watson: What! There’s no way you sniffed the amount of water vapour in the air.
Holmes: Yeah, but I saw the campus placement dates when we entered the hostel and they were two months ago. You saw them too, Watson, but as always, you see, but you do not observe.
Holmes: It was elemen…
Watson: Don’t say it!
Holmes: …tary, my Dear Watson.
Holmes: India challenges my genius, Watson, like no country ever did. The sheer volume of people trample my senses and leave my otherwise powerful mental faculties in shambles. There are too many variables to observe, oh Watson! The smaller ones can add up without warning and the bigger, more ruthless ones remain unknown, yet painfully constant. My experience in the alleys of London means naught here, and yet, I am drawn to the puzzle, drawn to the mystery that is India.
Watson: Wait a second, are you thinking of permanently moving to India?
Holmes: Oh yes, Watson, and I sincerely hope you will join me.
Watson: We’ll have to start from scratch, it’ll have to be a brand new beginning, like A Study in Scarlet.
Holmes: We’re in India, Watson. How about, A Study in Saffron?
Image Credit: Nikhil Mudaliar