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Whether you’re a shiny new import to Mumbai, ready to make movies the second your internship ends, or whether you’re tired of being forced to jerk off in the shower because nobody in your family learned how to knock, the story’s the same.

You need to move out. You may have found the perfect 1BHK with a view in the heart of Bandra.

300 x 250

Then you saw the rent, peed your pants, and scuttled into a tiny windowless studio on the wrong side of the tracks in the outskirts of Malad.

Astronomical rent aside, there’s a whole set of roadblocks you face when you’re house hunting alone, with roommates, or with that weird guy you found off of a Facebook group.

Landlords’ requirements get stricter by the day. At best, you need to be a “decent” guy or girl. At worst, you’ll need to produce a certificate of virginity and recite the Holy Scriptures backwards.

Here are some things that can eliminate you.

Being single

See, if you’re an unmarried bachelor trying to live alone, you’re a loose cannon. Who’s to stop you from hiring hookers and running a brothel in the house?  

It’s worse if you’re a single lady. You may have multiple boyfriends, you may smoke (gasp) or you might be a hooker yourself.

Not having kids

You’d think being in a relationship would qualify as proof of not being a prostitute. Maybe not. So say you get married just to get that lease.

Being legally married, for fuck’s sake, should be enough, right? Nope. Some landlords and societies may not find your marriage valid enough. You need to pop out a squealer or two to be vanilla enough.

Eating meat

We’re pretty sure this method of tenant filtering exists only in India, where you’re perversely immoral if you like chicken wings.

Pets

Everyone loves dogs, isn’t it? Nope. Pretty much every housing society hates dogs, cats, and anything else that walks on four legs.

It’s utterly moronic that people are refused houses because they have a furry family member, but we must say, the refusals aren’t always without reason.

Yes, banning pets isn’t the answer, but people who don’t pick up after their pets, leave pee puddles in lifts, and do not train their pets to behave in public are to blame for this ridiculous restriction. Seriously, you’re just ruining it for everyone else.

Working in films/media

There’s this perception about young people in the film and media industry, that they’re too volatile to be honorable tenants. Of course, working in film/media isn’t very respectable for old school thinking.

A testament to this is indibeat’s very own Rameez Shaikh, who has been hung up on every time he mentions he’s a writer. The last time we checked, he’s still living with his mother.

Jesus. After all this, we’re pretty sure you’re pretty damn grateful to be able to go back to the little crawlspace you share with three people and the lizard in the corner. At least it’s yours.

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